Archive for August, 2011
Once you’re a grown-up, any “toys” you may or may not own are generally not something you want to tell your Mum about. But occasionally one comes along that’s so taboo, so exhilarating, so unbelievably controversial that there’s nothing for it but to cast off the suffocating shackles of the vacuous hoi polloi and sing out its praises liberated and inappropriate to anyone who’ll listen (so… Mum then… pretty much exclusively… oh…) Like for example, the limited edition Buzz Lightyear doll with detachable cape, sensory voice activation and dual LED light rocket ship I got for a steal last week from e-bay seller AndysMom63, “Mum! Mum! Did you see how Buzz’s wings expanded on the backwards loop-de-loop? Did you? I’ll do it again – watch!!! To infinity, and beyoooonnnd!!! Well it works better if I’m wearing my cape – have you seen my cape? I’ll put it on – go get Dad!!”
Toys are awesome.
So you can imagine the excitement that swept through the office when Keg Bike rolled in – it almost cost me my spot as reigning Jenga champ! Almost. But it’s going to take a lot more than the world’s most awesome mobile tap to shake these nerves of steal. And anyway, I barely care because it’s Battleships week. Still, just like the time I was given my brother’s old BMX for his tenth birthday, we just had to take Keg Bike to the streets and show off our ace new wheels to all the neighbourhood kids. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be seen getting around town on an umbrella adorned tricycle?? Nobody. And I’ll steal the playlunch of anyone who says otherwise.
Needless to say we were like the kids with the biggest conkers in the schoolyard. Keg Bike is the shiz! What it lacks in handlebar ribbons and spokey-dokeys it makes up for in its ability to serve up icy-cold mineral water, its delightfully camp (sorry, “very manly”) striped umbrella, and its general red-ness (for speed, obviously). The people could not get enough…
Just look at all the friends we made! Why there could be dozens where they came from!! Keg Bike promises to be the greatest toy we ever pooled our pocket money for – unlike the complete set of Jurassic Park dolls that I’m not even allowed to take out of their display boxes (what is the point of having a T-Rex and a Pterodactyl in the office if I can’t even pit them against each other?!!) Still, if AndysMom63 taught me anything, it’s that threatening to leave a bad review on somebody’s e-bay profile can get you 30% off a mint condish, limited-edition Pixar figurine. And that except for me and Buzz and our matching capes, Keg Bike’s pretty much the raddest toy going round. Play your cards right and maybe we’ll let you ride it to the corner shop and back. Maybe. You’d have to literally play your cards right though. Uno anyone?
Spring has sprung early at DHMSCO. When we realized that bee-keeping was going to be the next big thing we just couldn’t wait the extra months to flaunt our brand new bespoke bee-keeper masks with customized GaGa-inspired netting, detachable monogrammed ear protectors and scratch and sniff honey scent patches (pair with a preppy Oxford shirt and any kind of Italian hand-embroidered soft mahogany leather loafer to take you from the office to the hive to drinks afterwards). And as is customary in Spring, there have been some new additions to our mineral water family:
Keg Bike…office windows… a blowfly named Angus that won’t stop circling my head (possibly a direct result of the honey scented apiarist mask I’m wearing)… the puppy I’m pretty sure I’m getting for my half-birthday… and of course, Lindy.
When our little bundle of joy and galvanized iron arrived we were all the proudest of parents. Certain members of the family had been lead to believe that an actual baby was on the way and had spent weeks excitedly knitting pink booties and nurturing a now redundant cabbage patch – it’s all very well to refer to your machinery as “he” and “she” until you’re on an all coleslaw diet waiting for your thriving cabbage crop to run out. Still, weighing in at a healthy 6,261 pounds, 12 ounces, Lindy arrived and she was perfect. An early bloomer who was already walking and could lift over twice her own weight, she may not quite have been the sister I was hoping for but she could hold her own at a monster trucks rally which is more than can be said for my human sister who’s afraid of monsters. And anyway, she looks like a character from Brum which is awesome.
But now that the initial excitement has worn off, I can’t help but be somewhat suspicious of Lindy. At first my contempt and my unwillingness to share my new Tron suit were dismissed as a textbook case of sibling rivalry. But I swear this is bigger than Freud and my love of dressing head to toe in sci-fi gear and thwarting imaginary attempts to destroy the Pentagon. There’s just something about Lindy that makes me think there’s more to her than meets the eye. Beneath that orange veneer is a seedy underbelly of a corrupt and troubled past I just know it!! So I did what any suspicious person wearing a Tron suit would do, I googled it.
Tell me that’s not Lindy in that video!! Now I know how Charlie must have felt when he found out Coach Bombay was dating his mum. It’s not that it happened, it’s that she didn’t tell me… Still, even though I’ve just discovered that my forklift sister has a penchant for destruction, I think I’m going to give her a second chance and I might even let her play with my spankin new Tron Legacy Light Cycle later. Besides, I need to get out of the office for a while because it’s day 18 of the coleslaw diet and the ventilation in here is less than ideal and let’s just say I’ve never been more grateful for scratch and sniff headwear…