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Of Course I Know Where Babies Come From

It doesn’t take a genius to know that something funny is going on around here. For one thing, everyone’s been ignoring me most of the time. Which is ridiculous since I’ve been doing business from the top of a pallet of cola in the exact centre of the warehouse for a week. And I’ve got this new laugh I’m doing where I cackle really loudly while I whip my hair all around super sexily (Adam taught me how). And I’ve been answering the phone in a combination of French and pig latin without anybody questioning it or stopping me. And anyway, it’s not even a phone. It’s a tin can tied to a slinky. Who even knows who’s been answering the real phones? My Mum, probably since I forwarded them all to her mobile weeks ago. And the chats I’m having on the slinky tin are way more interesting anyway, “Bonjour, owhay areway ouyay misseur?” etcetera. And I’ve actually started my own business-in-a-business called, “From Me To You; a free case of Organic Cola with every business idea purchased” so I’ve actually technically been losing the company a lot of money. Yep, people are way too distracted around here.

It wasn’t until this morning’s staff meeting that I learned the real reason I got away with riding the forklift like a show pony down the main street on Wednesday – they have absolutely no idea I did it. Even though the whole thing got a thousand hits in its first hour on YouTube and according to Mum, the insurance company have been calling a lot – something about not willing to pay for third party damages? Boring, tell it to me in pig latin Mum. Third Party Damages would be an awesome band name. Unlike me, everyone else is so distracted because there are some new additions coming thick and fast to the mineral water family and apparently, we’re all super excited and not at all jealous or resentful. 

Adam “sexy hair” Jeffreson has welcomed baby Elliott into the world - and before you ask, Elliott is a real live adorable baby boy and not just the cabbage patch doll somebody stole from me last week dressed up in a nappy - I checked. And our very own “potential suspect #2″ Zsolt has made a baby girl called Laura Rose which is a lovely name, suspiciously similar to Lemonade Pallet-Jack, the name of a certain missing cabbage patch doll, isn’t it Zsolt? Not to be outdone, those of us who are still not totally sure exactly how babies are made and just how many storks you need (kidding! It’s three - four if you want twins) have been making things too. We are expecting our Soda and Tonic babies any day now. I’ve been child proofing all the sharp corners and labelling all my toys in time for their arrival - unfortunately not in time to stop Adam from smacking his head on the corner of my desk when he was trying to fly my Hello Kitty kite inside again - maybe the new babies will have more respect for other people’s property? Maybe they won’t like Hello Kitty so much? Maybe they’ll have a basic understanding of physics that will prevent them from flying kites in a windless office space full of furniture?

Anyway, I’m excited about the new babies. I can’t stay up here on this pallet forever after all. At some point I’m either going to have to come down or I’ll have given it all away. At which point, it might be good to have some super cute babies between me and everybody else. Especially if they find out that Third Party Damages isn’t just a band that practices in the warehouse on Tuesdays and Thursdays… But it’s not my fault nobody taught me how to drive a forklift in peak hour traffic. And anyway, my cabbage patch doll is missing, I’m the real victim here.

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Some Like It Hot

You could say I’m a bit of a rev head. Engines, motors, petrol, fuel, gas, cup holders - I’m a veritable Schumacher when it comes to knowing what cars are and what bits they have. I don’t actually own a car myself per-se, but if I did you just know it would be the best car ever, the top one that everybody wants and they see it and they’re all “oh man, look at that car with sixteen exhaust pipes and the dual pistol mode engine tank and the hot chip holders - its got holders just for keeping hot chips at the ideal hand-reaching angle. What a rad car that is definitely the best one ever!” And I haven’t ever gone to the Grand Prix but if I did you just know I’d be specially invited into the cockpit area to advise everyone on the different types of hubcaps they could use on the hubs and they’d probably just ask me to drive and win the race in the end I guess. Not that I’ve got my license exactly, but if I did you just know I’d be the best driver of all time and people would stop and applaud when I made perfect right hand turns and they would come running when I reverse park because it is as beautiful as watching DaVinci paint the Mona Lisa except even better because he didn’t have such an elegant way of checking his mirrors.

So you can imagine my surprise last week when a mineral water family meeting was called to inform us that a) Ian the Van, a beloved if somewhat high-maintenance team member was being restationed to the million lane super highway in the sky and b) a new motor-run vehicle had been adopted without anyone bothering to consult me. ME! The car bits oracle! Unbelievable. Have they even seen my Hot Wheels collection of over 160 different Hot Wheels? Of course they have, I play with them every Tuesday from three until four-thirty. Plus Adam stole one of my fastest red ones last week and had to go on a sales timeout. Heck, I was playing with a couple right then because staff meetings are boring.

I can’t even tell you how nervous I was when I asked for some more information. “So this alleged new truck, how many wheels will it have? Less than four? Because I would have recommended more, four at least. And how many horse powers did you order? Because if you didn’t ask for steeple jumping the truck won’t come with it. I don’t even want to imagine what angle the hot chip holders will be set at. NO hot chip holders? Are you insane? You had better have ordered a lot of dual pistols…”

Apparently, not a single dual pistol, racing stripe or flashing light so that me and the truck drivers can pretend to be firemen was ordered. Brutal. And a total waste of the hot firemen outfits I ordered online last week (the prefix “hot” apparently not an indication of the heat they can withstand so much as the topless-with-suspenders style of the outfits. I’m beginning to question the legitimacy of Still, the new truck is coming with a few tricks up its water valve. It’s big. Super big. But why have super big when you can have monster truck big? Which is why we’re building a customised truck box of Frankenstein proportions. And replacing the normal tyres with two-story-high monster truck tyres, and putting blades on the front and installing fire pistols and horse powers and six - no eleven - hot chip holders… Okay okay, maybe not. But Franky really is getting the super-sized treatment that will make him the biggest, most monster mineral water mover ever. Can you say world domination? I can’t, words are tricky, but Franky is set to be a (not so)lean, mean delivery machine.

Keep an eye out for young Frank around town. And if you see him, marvel at his greatness. But please remember, even though I’m not allowed to, if I was driving the F-Train it would definitely be the best thing you would ever see in your life and you would probably weep with joy as I cruised by and then burst into song when the 25 dual pistols shot flames out the back as I drove off into the sunset like a beautiful phoenix. By the way, if you happen to notice any bare chested firemen in the cabin, please be mindful that these men are not professional firefighters and should not be called on in any kind of emergency. They are just grown men who like to play dress-ups and who cry under any real pressure. But spare them a thought because whenever they buy hot chips they have to hold them. In their hands. Disgraceful.

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