Some Like It Hot

You could say I’m a bit of a rev head. Engines, motors, petrol, fuel, gas, cup holders - I’m a veritable Schumacher when it comes to knowing what cars are and what bits they have. I don’t actually own a car myself per-se, but if I did you just know it would be the best car ever, the top one that everybody wants and they see it and they’re all “oh man, look at that car with sixteen exhaust pipes and the dual pistol mode engine tank and the hot chip holders - its got holders just for keeping hot chips at the ideal hand-reaching angle. What a rad car that is definitely the best one ever!” And I haven’t ever gone to the Grand Prix but if I did you just know I’d be specially invited into the cockpit area to advise everyone on the different types of hubcaps they could use on the hubs and they’d probably just ask me to drive and win the race in the end I guess. Not that I’ve got my license exactly, but if I did you just know I’d be the best driver of all time and people would stop and applaud when I made perfect right hand turns and they would come running when I reverse park because it is as beautiful as watching DaVinci paint the Mona Lisa except even better because he didn’t have such an elegant way of checking his mirrors.

So you can imagine my surprise last week when a mineral water family meeting was called to inform us that a) Ian the Van, a beloved if somewhat high-maintenance team member was being restationed to the million lane super highway in the sky and b) a new motor-run vehicle had been adopted without anyone bothering to consult me. ME! The car bits oracle! Unbelievable. Have they even seen my Hot Wheels collection of over 160 different Hot Wheels? Of course they have, I play with them every Tuesday from three until four-thirty. Plus Adam stole one of my fastest red ones last week and had to go on a sales timeout. Heck, I was playing with a couple right then because staff meetings are boring.

I can’t even tell you how nervous I was when I asked for some more information. “So this alleged new truck, how many wheels will it have? Less than four? Because I would have recommended more, four at least. And how many horse powers did you order? Because if you didn’t ask for steeple jumping the truck won’t come with it. I don’t even want to imagine what angle the hot chip holders will be set at. NO hot chip holders? Are you insane? You had better have ordered a lot of dual pistols…”

Apparently, not a single dual pistol, racing stripe or flashing light so that me and the truck drivers can pretend to be firemen was ordered. Brutal. And a total waste of the hot firemen outfits I ordered online last week (the prefix “hot” apparently not an indication of the heat they can withstand so much as the topless-with-suspenders style of the outfits. I’m beginning to question the legitimacy of Still, the new truck is coming with a few tricks up its water valve. It’s big. Super big. But why have super big when you can have monster truck big? Which is why we’re building a customised truck box of Frankenstein proportions. And replacing the normal tyres with two-story-high monster truck tyres, and putting blades on the front and installing fire pistols and horse powers and six - no eleven - hot chip holders… Okay okay, maybe not. But Franky really is getting the super-sized treatment that will make him the biggest, most monster mineral water mover ever. Can you say world domination? I can’t, words are tricky, but Franky is set to be a (not so)lean, mean delivery machine.

Keep an eye out for young Frank around town. And if you see him, marvel at his greatness. But please remember, even though I’m not allowed to, if I was driving the F-Train it would definitely be the best thing you would ever see in your life and you would probably weep with joy as I cruised by and then burst into song when the 25 dual pistols shot flames out the back as I drove off into the sunset like a beautiful phoenix. By the way, if you happen to notice any bare chested firemen in the cabin, please be mindful that these men are not professional firefighters and should not be called on in any kind of emergency. They are just grown men who like to play dress-ups and who cry under any real pressure. But spare them a thought because whenever they buy hot chips they have to hold them. In their hands. Disgraceful.

Comments are off for this post Digg this

Comments are closed.