Winners Don’t Gloat (They Crump)

I used to think only beer could come from a keg. Full disclosure: that’s how I thought beer was made. You put some barley and hops and beer juice in a rubbish bin, shake it up and then shazam! Beer! I sometimes wondered whether whiskey had to play a small but crucial role in the process but other than that, I was fairly pleased at how clever I was for knowing a beer recipe without having to look up a single Donna Hay book. Opening up my own brewery was being considered, writing a book entitled, “Beer, Why All The Fuss? It’s Really Easy To Make; a prodigy’s story” was being considered, MasterChef was being considered… Obviously I’d be a shoe in - it was more a matter of when I could give up the time and whether my role should be as contestant or judge than whether they’d want me. Unfortunately, much like the time I confused a homeless man for James Boag on a trip to Tasmania (I thought he looked remarkably good for his age but he credited it to a strict Oil of Olay regimen), I was wrong. Very, very, wrong. About lots of things actually. Apparently beer is not made my way at all, something akin to bar slops and poison is though. It also seems that more than one thing can be stored in a keg, as long as the thing isn’t the office goldfish (if Adam asks, Scales and Fancy Pants Jnr. always take their naps floating on top of the water like that). And far from personally inviting me to join the top twelve, MasterChef were not willing to take me on as contestant, judge, guest chef or even as somebody who sneaks into the studio after filming and gets to eat all the food after it’s been judged.

Being wrong is the worst.

And now I’m hungry and how am I going to get free meals since I spent all my money on what the fake James Boag with the creamy complexion swore to me was beer juice but now that I think about it smelled more like, um, something else that’s yellow?

Luckily for everyone, there are people out there who know more than I do. And although it might be too late for Scales and Fancy Pants (wait, what? No Adam, they’re fine, seriously. Stop tickling them), it’s not too late for the rest of us. For one thing, in a truly epic historical first, the Department of Occupational Health and Safety banded together with pretty much every beer brewery in the country to thwart my attempts at going commercial. And even better, there are people who understand that kegs don’t have to be typecast as beer holders and goldfish killers. Some of those people work in this very company. And others work closely with this very company. Which means that mineral water stored in kegs is sweeping the nation! Like a stomach virus! But in a good way that won’t make you sick or anything. In fact, forget I said stomach virus. Because I definitely haven’t been trying to make sparkling wine in kegs using mineral water and the wine I find left in buckets after wine tastings. Nor have I caught a single sales rep using them as baths for his Cabbage Patch Dolls. And there’s no way you can prove that I climbed into one on Monday and let the truck drivers roll me down the hill outside the warehouse til I got sick which is the real reason I missed our staff meeting and not because I was busy watching Ghostbusters which is what I told everybody…

Unlike a stomach virus (why keep mentioning the virus? Seriously, stop). Unlike anything that’s remotely bad, you can find cafes, restaurants and bars all over Melbourne and Sydney who are playing the Maverick to our Goose in the eco-friendly mineral water version of Top Gun that’s real in my imagination. Mr Wolf, Albert Street Food and Wine, The London, Dandelion, Danks Street Depot, Red Spice Road, Little Creatures Dining Hall, Trotters, The Rose and Ladro in Prahran all have our mineral water stealthily concealed in eco-kegs, and are ready to whip out a glass or carafe and hit you with the fizzy stuff as soon as you give the super secret signal. Or just ask for the water I guess… But then you wouldn’t get to do the super secret signal twirl, take your mineral water, and give a solemn eyes-closed nod before cooly going about your business…

And cooly going about business is exactly what we’re known for. Ask anyone who’s ever met us or competed against us at anything. I mean really, why brag about a win when the awesome victory crump we’ve choreographed to the LMFAO classic Sexy And I know It says more than an “in your face!” ever could? But since you probably didn’t see this morning’s show-stopper, I don’t mind casually mentioning our victory over reverse osmosis systems aka water purifiers aka posers. Talk about a landslide - not only is our water as naturally pure as the voice of Seal himself, but water from our kegs produces zilch appreciable waste water as opposed to reverse osmosis systems that can waste more than four litres of water just to purify one. Oh yeah, how’d you like me now?! In your face Reverse Osmosis Systems! We don’t need you or your fake eco-friendship or your not even any minerals or your hard to understand and even harder to remember name (just imagine that as an impossibly awesome victory crump with heaps of attitude).

Anyway, it’s not just city slickers who get to strut their stuff playing Mineral Water Top Gun. As the first biz to have tapped a keg in central Victoria, re-PUBLIC in Castlemaine are doing it for country mice, responsible frat partiers and rural Tom Cruise wannabes alike. So if you’re thirsty for a good time down ol’ Cassymainy way, pop - nay strut - into re-PUBLIC, do the super secret signal twirl and a bottomless glass of mineral water dispensed straight from a tap in the wall will be yours! Now that’s a rootin’ tootin’ fine idea, eh pardner? Wait… that’s cowboy. I got confused because of the awesome star (sheriff’s badge) on the wall where the water comes out…

Anyway, questions about who’s actually seen Top Gun and who’s just pretending they have so that they sound cool and aren’t left out on Top Gun Tuesdays anymore really aren’t important. What’s important is that you remember that eco-keg mineral water definitely is not poison. And that this Tuesday, I get to be Maverick for a change. Also, at re-PUBLIC their super secret signal twirl ends with a step-ball-change and it’s heavy on the jazz hands. No judgement here.

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