Archive for April, 2013

Of Course I Know Where Babies Come From

It doesn’t take a genius to know that something funny is going on around here. For one thing, everyone’s been ignoring me most of the time. Which is ridiculous since I’ve been doing business from the top of a pallet of cola in the exact centre of the warehouse for a week. And I’ve got this new laugh I’m doing where I cackle really loudly while I whip my hair all around super sexily (Adam taught me how). And I’ve been answering the phone in a combination of French and pig latin without anybody questioning it or stopping me. And anyway, it’s not even a phone. It’s a tin can tied to a slinky. Who even knows who’s been answering the real phones? My Mum, probably since I forwarded them all to her mobile weeks ago. And the chats I’m having on the slinky tin are way more interesting anyway, “Bonjour, owhay areway ouyay misseur?” etcetera. And I’ve actually started my own business-in-a-business called, “From Me To You; a free case of Organic Cola with every business idea purchased” so I’ve actually technically been losing the company a lot of money. Yep, people are way too distracted around here.

It wasn’t until this morning’s staff meeting that I learned the real reason I got away with riding the forklift like a show pony down the main street on Wednesday – they have absolutely no idea I did it. Even though the whole thing got a thousand hits in its first hour on YouTube and according to Mum, the insurance company have been calling a lot – something about not willing to pay for third party damages? Boring, tell it to me in pig latin Mum. Third Party Damages would be an awesome band name. Unlike me, everyone else is so distracted because there are some new additions coming thick and fast to the mineral water family and apparently, we’re all super excited and not at all jealous or resentful. 

Adam “sexy hair” Jeffreson has welcomed baby Elliott into the world - and before you ask, Elliott is a real live adorable baby boy and not just the cabbage patch doll somebody stole from me last week dressed up in a nappy - I checked. And our very own “potential suspect #2″ Zsolt has made a baby girl called Laura Rose which is a lovely name, suspiciously similar to Lemonade Pallet-Jack, the name of a certain missing cabbage patch doll, isn’t it Zsolt? Not to be outdone, those of us who are still not totally sure exactly how babies are made and just how many storks you need (kidding! It’s three - four if you want twins) have been making things too. We are expecting our Soda and Tonic babies any day now. I’ve been child proofing all the sharp corners and labelling all my toys in time for their arrival - unfortunately not in time to stop Adam from smacking his head on the corner of my desk when he was trying to fly my Hello Kitty kite inside again - maybe the new babies will have more respect for other people’s property? Maybe they won’t like Hello Kitty so much? Maybe they’ll have a basic understanding of physics that will prevent them from flying kites in a windless office space full of furniture?

Anyway, I’m excited about the new babies. I can’t stay up here on this pallet forever after all. At some point I’m either going to have to come down or I’ll have given it all away. At which point, it might be good to have some super cute babies between me and everybody else. Especially if they find out that Third Party Damages isn’t just a band that practices in the warehouse on Tuesdays and Thursdays… But it’s not my fault nobody taught me how to drive a forklift in peak hour traffic. And anyway, my cabbage patch doll is missing, I’m the real victim here.

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